Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Stop the Pigeon


Just because you can't jump high enough to reach the wine rack, does that mean those grapes are sour for you?

Once upon a time, a Pigeon flew over the den of the Fox and defecated upon it. The Pigeon's warm stool splattered upon the Fox's head and enraged the latter. "STOP THE PIGEON!" screeched the Fox in his best Dick Dastardly imitation. After weeks of stalking, the Fox finally tracked down the Pigeon to a courtyard and dispensed with the rude avian with extreme prejudice. 

Much later, another Pigeon flew over the den of the Fox and history repeated itself. After weeks of stalking, the Fox finally tracked down this other Pigeon but found the canny avian ensconded at the roof. After contemplating the situation for days, the Fox merely shrugged and announced to his Cubs that Sainthood is the province of those who hold to forgiveness in their hearts.

Monday, November 16, 2015

The Canid Colossus


The difference between being dubbed migrant or refugee by a South East Asian country depends upon whether one possesses antlers.

With apologies to Emma Lazarus.

Once upon a time, a herd of black-tailed deers, fleeing for their lives from game hunters, attempted to seek refuge in the Fox's hunting ground. "Be gone, you ruminating creatures!" screeched the Fox in righteous fury, "you would only frighten my cubs and dollar-paying tourists!"

Much later, news of a herd of white-tailed deers, fleeing for their lives from game hunters, but seeking refuge in lands far, far away from the Fox's hunting ground caught the attention of the canid. "Oh, you tired, poor huddled masses!" lamented the Fox in a lofty address before the world media, "send the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Of Clowns And Kings


Big Macs are over-rated. Am I right, Whopper? 

We return back to the patch of rock and sand where an eternal battle is relentlessly waged between the Canaan Dog and the Shrew Mouse.

In recent years, the Canaan Dog had grown a tad too vicious with the occasional pissing by the Shrew Mouse at the former's den. The canine had resorted to increasing his fiber diet in order to pass an even greater mass of stool at the Mouse's tunnel openings.

The Fox, now devoutly sober after his revelation at a souk, was utterly incensed by the inhu... eh, uncanine-like treatment dispensed by the Canaan Dog, much to the delight of the Mouse.

The felicitatious canid called for a total boycott of a clown, citing the latter's alleged support for the canine's "dumping" campaign against the Mouse.

The Mouse later discovered that the Fox routinely bought high fiber cereal from the same supplier to the Canaan Dog and had easily replaced the clown with a king.

The Repentant Teetotaler


Inspired partly by a quatrain from an inimitable Intercessionist mathematician and poet, who may have scandalized the Mediationists back then with his references to wine and women.

The Fox, in his youth, spent his time dallying away in Turkic caravanserais at East Asia and Kashmiri bazaars of South Asia, with a hookah in one hand and a cup of wine in the other. To each comely lady encountered, the Fox charmed them with an irresistible pick-up line:

Ah, my Beloved, fill the Cup that clears
Today of past Regrets and future Fears

One fine day, he awoke sober in a blazing afternoon at a souk with a clarity unseen before. It was as if those drunken debauchery of the past finally culminated in a revelation of understanding beyond enlightenment transcending consciousness. Well, whatever.

“I have finally found Guidance to the True Meaning of my So-Called Life!” exclaimed the Fox to the bewilderment of the camels and sheeps in the souk.

The Fox would later go on a lifelong campaign to expound Praises upon the sobering qualities of souks whilst vehemently denying past dalliances in caravanserais or bazaars.

Heat


Some speculators are just in plain denial. To them, placing a bet in a casino isn’t gambling. They are merely investing in futures and options.


Once upon a time, a casino opened its door in the forest. The Fox, enticed by the blinking and shining neon lights, decided to take a look and was introduced to the proprietor, a highly reputable hyena by the name of House.

Mr. House proceeded to give the Fox a tour of his establishment and imbibed the latter with copious amounts of alcohol. ‘See here, who else can offer such payoff on baccarat, eh? We even welcome card counters on the blackjack tables!’

As the Fox left the casino in a tipsy state, he proceeded to borrow 50,000 fine pewter ingots as collateral against an advance by the casino. Brimming with confidence, he swaggered into the casino and proceeded to the blackjack table.

The Fox was taken to the cleaners by Mr. House. Not only was the collateral forfeited, he was told that the ingots were worth a mere fraction of their initial estimated value and the Fox had to pony up the balance to cover for his losses.

The Fox decided to rob the Maned Unicorn in order to pay for the mounting debts. Unfortunately, the Unicorn recently sold off the silverware to purchase shares in a toilet paper company and the Fox ended up with 6.2 billion toilet paper rolls, which he continues to hawk to this day at a booth outside a shopping mall’s lavatory.

May You Live In Interesting Times


The Romans worshiped a two-faced deity by the name of Janus. Presumably he had two tongues. In South East Asia, some worship forked tongued politicians with presumably one face.

The Fox had had long accused the Pig for being an abhorrent drake-worshiping infidel and a loathsome fire fetish extremist. The Pig, long accustomed to such insults, merely replied to the Fox, ‘May you live in interesting times’.

Presently, the Fox was given signal honor of escorting a Wrym Egg, laid by the Scarlet Fire Drake, to Middle Mountain. Unfortunately, due to a mishap, the Egg was irrevocably lost.

The enraged Scarlet Fire Drake, displeased with the explanation proffered by the Fox's associate over the tragic incident, vented his wrath upon the Fox on the discrepancy of the associate's somewhat tardy accounting of the affair.

The Fox, against his better judgment, decided to quietly consult the Pig. Upon hearing the Fox’s predicament, the Pig admitted he had long been a devout worshiper of one of the Seven Princes of Hell, Mammon, and thus was unable to offer any advice.

Much later, after days of intense diplomatic and political pressure, the Fox appeared before the state-controlled media owned by the Drake, and was witnessed offering joss-sticks as a sign of respect and performing numerous fire-breathing tricks.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Kaiju!

I resist the temptation of writing ‘Ultraman King’ whenever I am filling up application forms in the column marked ‘Religion’.

Once upon a time, a Kaiju passed motion in relatively shallow waters. The stool created a mini-tsunami that caught the Fox unaware and drenched him.

The dripping wet Fox, in a hastily convened press conference, denied existence of the Kaiju’s stool and claimed he was MTV Punk’d during Songkran.

The Fox later sold the rights to his story to Hollywood which then optioned it as a sequel to ‘Pacific Rim’ and given the title, ‘James Shoal’.

Bad Comedy


Facepalm-ing & Rolleye-ing.

The Emerald Leopard had been hauled before a conclave of animals to be judged for allegedly poaching from The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He denied the allegation and claimed the Fruits found in his garden were results of his strenuous labor.

It was decided to put to a vote whether to accept or censure the Emerald Leopard’s assertion. The Fox, who was known to vote with the majority in order to conceal his lack of scrotal gumption, sought out Major Elephant for advice.

Major Elephant was circumspect but the Fox left the former's office with the impression that the ponderous pachyderm, with other like-minded animals, would vote nay as they have always done in the past, and accept the Emerald Leopard’s denial.

When the vote was tallied, the Fox was shocked when Major Elephant, together with the majority, voted yea to censure the Leopard. The former had voted nay together with two socialist-minded South American avians, whom later proffered cigars to the Fox as a gesture of socialist solidarity.

The Fox subsequently removed himself from, and reappointed himself back, to the conclave. He cited his previous appointment was tainted his own refusal to consult himself and to obey a direct order from the same, to vote yea.

Meet The Erdoğans


"Who or what is an Erdoğan?" - Malaysian at 'mamak' stall while sipping 'teh tarik'

Once upon a time, an Erdoğan was a negative adjective bestowed upon the Boar, an avowed enemy of the Fox. It was akin to being blackballed and ostracized. The said porcine was described as willing to rent out his rear posterior to outsiders in order to sabotage the Comely yet Wise Fox and supported instituting the Fez as a national headwear for all animals!

It did not help when an Angora Cat by the name of Erdoğan engaged the Boar as an Honored Adviser on matters concerning catnip taxes and hairball expenditure. It merely inflamed the Fox, and for a time, diplomatic relations between the Fox and Angora Cat was frigid, frosty, and fff… ff... f… [I got nothing].

Presently, the Angora Cat managed to play the Canaan Dog for a fool and chump. Erdoğan gained new found fame as Steward and Protector of Shrew Mouse and Avowed Enemy of Canaan-kind. He would later gain further fame on a video-sharing website for admonishing the Canaan Dog for being uncouth and harboring murderous intent.

In the meantime, the Fox, now eager to be associated with the Angora Cat’s latest act of heroism, reversed stance. A hasty revision at his agitprop printing press honored Erdoğan as embodying the best of Hero and Champion. Confused serfs wondered if their Great Ruler had forgotten to take his prescribed dose of anti-psychotic medications.

The Fox decided he, too, was entitled to bask in the limelight of the Angora Cat’s exploit. He levied a tribute of 600 million stalks of catnip from his serfs and delivered it to Erdoğan as a gesture of good faith. Days later, the Fox returned from a visit to the Angora Cat with a shiny dinner plate for his troubles.

N.A.T.O. Strikes Again


What’s so difficult about sending over a 9mm round and US$1? I’ll try to answer that conundrum from my New York penthouse while reconciling the balance on my British Virgin Islands bank account. No, really.

The Canaan Dog had been defecating upon the Shrew Mouse’s tunnel openings to prevent the latter from foraging upon sacred ancestral grounds.

The Shrew Mouse, in turn, urinated into the Canaan Dog’s den as retaliation and thus both parties were lockstep in decades of urine-and-stool struggle.

Presently, the Fox and his Cub denounced the Boar for voicing support  for the sanctity of the Canaan Dog, allegedly at the expense of the far weaker Shrew Mouse.

Both publicly challenged the inviolability of the Canaan Dog’s den and proceeded to vilify the Boar as a pro-canine and anti-rodent pig.

However, when challenged in turn, both Fox and Cub merely proffered mineral water bottles for the Shrew Mouse instead of a Fajr-5 rocket artillery system and munitions.